De-escalation means helping someone come down from anger or distress, using your words, your voice and your body. When a child is upset, what you say first matters most.
Kate Holden, who wrote our de-escalation course, has put together 22 phrases to try in the trickiest moments. They’re grouped by what each one does: validate, show empathy, reflect, be curious, and repair.
Validate (use because instead of but)
- “It makes sense that you are angry right now because the noise in the room was really getting to you.”
- “If that had happened to me, I’d be upset too because it’s not nice when we have a fight with someone we care about.”
- “I can see that you are feeling really agitated because we had to change our plans.”
Phrases that show empathy
- “This is so upsetting for you right now. It is so tough.”
- “You wanted to carry on playing that game because you were enjoying it. It seems unfair that the time ran out.”
- “It seems to you like [name] doesn’t want to know you and I know you really like [name] so it must be so confusing for you.”
- “You are absolutely right. It is really annoying when other people wind you up.”
- “You don’t need to explain. I understand.”
- “You are having a really tough time right now. I am here when you are ready to talk.”
Reflect
- “So, what I am hearing is….”
- “So, what you’re saying is that…”
- “I heard…Have I got that right?”
- “Let me see if I’ve understood you correctly.”
Be Curious
- “I wonder if…”
- “I’m thinking that…”
- “I’ve noticed that…”
- “I’m guessing that…”
- “It seems like…”
Repair and Resolve
- “I’m sorry that I didn’t recognise you needed help. How can we fix that?”
- “I know that you said and did things you didn’t mean but we got through it together. I am still here for you.”
- “What would you like to do now? How can I help you?”
- “Let’s figure out a plan for if this happens again.”
De-escalation training
De-escalation: What is it and how do I do it? – on demand course
Promote Emotional Regulation in Autistic Children – on demand course
Kate’s 27-minute course, De-escalation: What is it and how do I do it?, shows you when to step in and how to rebuild things afterwards. Try it free for 14 days, then it’s £8 a month or £80 a year for every course in the library.